Okay, so in my dream, there was this secret underground tunnel of stairs leading deep down into the earth. They were brown stone stairs that kept turning and branching off in different directions, almost like a maze. They were lit with a cavernous yellow light that came from nowhere. The strangest thing about these stairs, though, was that they were teeming with people. As we tried to descend, we had to constantly weave through the crowd. Everyone was trying to figure out where the stairs led, because it seemed like every path led to a dead end. I would overhear people telling each other which paths to try, and which they had determined to lead nowhere. However, there were little green signs on the walls of the stairways telling where the different paths led. One of the paths, which I had overheard people saying led nowhere, was labeled, “DR. BENTO” (or something). Feeling confident in my ability to see what they couldn’t, I headed down that path, determined to find this doctor. It led to a large room that was like a subway station minus the subway, with people sitting on benches and stuff. It was still part of the stairway network, with the same brown earth making up the walls and floor.
Now, I don’t know/remember how I did it, but I managed to find the secret exit in this room, and found myself out in a huge city that I knew was part of a secret fantasy world. I headed out, trying to take mental note of how to return to where I’d come from. I walked down streets and around corners, and finally I found this big open mall. I saw a candy shop and saw the doctor in there, standing behind a pharmacy counter.
He was so nice! He was this nice old man who gave me medicine. I actually had a big crush on him.
I wanted my family to meet him. So I rushed back to the stairway entrance and back into the underground maze. When I tried to lead my family to Dr. B——, it was nighttime, so the stairway was empty and pitch black. We had to feel our way around. Eventually I led them out into the city, but we got separated and—
Then my dream turned into a Pirates of the Caribbean movie with Johnny Depp. I honestly don’t care about this whole huge next part as much, and it’s totally unrelated, so I’m just gonna end this post here. I just wanted to make sure I always remember that nice doctor.
But while I still am a teenager, you can be DAMN SURE I’m gonna act like one.
People should get to be reckless and emotional at some time in their lives!
like, you want to go home, but not to your actual home, you just want to feel safe and protected, but you don’t know how to get there
I don’t have a home anymore
I don’t feel at home in Erie anymore, because I’m not anchored there
But this certainly isn’t my home
I’m lost and just want people to like me so that maybe I can find a home
When my mom and I were on one of our drives through little country towns, we saw this factory that was almost entirely burned to the ground. This is one of the pictures I took of it. I like to imagine that if you enter this door, the one orange with rust, you somehow enter a factory that is huge and in perfect condition—it just looks burned down to keep people from finding out the secret work they do.
I doodled ancient Egypt all over my hand today. Everything I’ve learned from Nancy Drew recently: the Eye of Horus, and the four sons of Horus, who guard the canopic jars of the pharaohs. And the Ankh, and a scarab, the symbol of the god Khepri, and a symbol of regeneration. And a little jackal amulet.
I don’t ever want to stop feeling exceptional.
Like, Crime and Punishment is a great book, but I don’t want to stop believing I’m extraordinary. I think it’s good to believe you’re extraordinary. It’s how you end up being extraordinary.
So, yeah, I’ll continue to think I’m something special even with the knowledge that it may very well bite me in the butt one day.
Why do I feel so lonely tonight? It’s like college has taken away my ability to be alone. When was the last time I was alone like this since I got to RIT? I can’t even remember. I’m so not used to it. And I used to be such good company for myself! It’s a shame.
Maybe this isn’t any old loneliness—maybe this is homesickness. I think that’s it. I miss my mommy. I miss her love of long drives through the country and little diners in little towns in the middle of nowhere. I miss her. I miss my daddy. I miss his mannerisms. I miss his sweetness. I miss his selflessness. No one here is nearly as selfless. No one here cares about anyone but himself. Maybe that’s not true. Maybe I’m just not in a good mood.
If I’m still up in an hour, I’m supposed to call John. I hope he’s asleep. When I think of him sick and exhausted working 12 hour shifts, it makes me want to cry.
I’m sick of my daydreams. I need some new plot ideas. An idea for some new weird romance. I’ve been going over the same old stale daydreams for years now.
Jesus, I’ve been trying to pray to you every night. Because I’m already in a thoughtful mood, I’ll just do tonight’s prayer on here. Jesus, I love you. I know it’s not fair that my loyalty seems only to come to you when I’m sad and sentimental. Because, as you know, I really do love you and believe in you all the time. But when I’m not feeling vulnerable, I act like I don’t need religion. I do need religion. I need you and love you sooooo so much. I’m doing this on Tumblr to show you that I’m not afraid to be public about that. Well, okay, there’s no fooling you—I AM afraid to be public about that. But I’m fighting that stupid fear for you. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me! Watch over my Oma please. I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately. I love you!! Good night.
My turn-offs: UNINTELLIGENCE. Social blindness. Shallowness. Cruelty. Harshness. Insensitivity. A willingness to sacrifice the feelings of others for the sake of looking cool or funny.
I hate perfect. So much. Girls these days are so hung-up on guys having washboard abs and perfect hair and great sense of fashion. But like.. how can they get mad at guys for expecting them to be a perfect 10 when they do the same with guys?
SOOOO yeah. First I’m gonna list my turn-offs in guys:
(Source: vanessavanoo)
